How can you feel positive...

... if you always look at the negative? For those of you that know me as a person, and not just as words on a screen, will hopefully think that I normally express a happy positive outlook at life. This doesn't mean my head is stuck in the sand and I don't acknowledge that there are terrible things going on all around me, it just means that I choose to spend my energy thinking positively.

There is one BIG flaw in my positive thinking strategy. More often than not I think negatively about myself. While I can come up with several reasons, scenarios or possibilities on why another person may say or act a certain way, I'm not willing to look for those reasons in my own life. Enough on that thought for now, I had something else on my mind to share.

While it is more evident during a political campaign season, negativity grows and spreads like wildfire if we allow it to gain a foothold in our life. While making my weekly trip to Ohio last night I was looking forward to one of my favorite landmarks. A large crane flying an American Flag. This flag is huge and when the weather is just right, it waves across a bold blue sky. For weeks this sight as filled me with Patriotism and a sense of pride for my Country. A Country that is struggling to hang onto its founding beliefs and freedoms, but a Country that I'm still glad to call mine. Of course being that it is only 1.5 months away from a Presidential Election, there were campaign signs all around too but this didn't bother me since one of the freedoms we enjoy is the right to support and elect our leaders.

Last night, this beautiful Flag and blue sky was tarnished just enough to spread some negativity in my life. As I was driving by I noticed a banner had been added to the crane. This banner did not support a candidate but instead vilified the opposing candidate. I was instantly reminded of childhood playgrounds where name calling and cooties were a real thing. (On a side note, why is it that childhood behavior of name calling and picking on someone is considered bullying but as adults it is considered freedom of speech?) My uplifting moment of observing this beautiful American Flag, and all she stands for, has now been damaged by negativity. Do I agree with what the banner said? I believe it was accurate and truthful but does that really matter? It is accurate and truthful that I am a fat spinster who will most likely die alone, but would you put that on a banner and fly it out where everyone can see? I would hope not.

Maybe Americans need to relearn the lesson that our parents or grandparents tried to teach us so long ago. If you can't say something nice, or positive, don't say anything at all!

Identity...

...where does it come from? So we all have birth certificates, social security cards, licenses and junk mail that identifies us by name, gender and in some cases age. But where do we get our identity from? I have been thinking about this a lot lately. I frequently struggled with how to finish the sentence; "I am ...". I wasn't a mother or wife and while I was a daughter I was one of four so it just didn't seem to be an identifier that worked for me.

Maybe I was wanting to be unique in a way that gave me value. I know that when I finally earned my Masters in Library Science, I felt a type of relief that now I had an identity. I could now finish my sentence; "I am a Librarian" and that was my identity. By now I'm sure some of you are shaking your heads and muttering about how I've put my value and identity in the wrong place. I realize that but I'm still proud to be a Librarian.

I recently heard a someone talking about the issue of identity and value. He had brought up the point that so often we feel we must do great things so that we can be identified as a person of value. I often do this in my Christian life too. I think that for God's approval I have to complete this list of expected behaviors. That God won't claim me if I don't earn my Christian identity. The Pastor that I was listening to used Matthew 3:17 to show that God puts Identity before Action.

17 And a voice from heaven said, “This is my Son, whom I love; with him I am well pleased.”

This was the voice of God at Jesus' baptism. Jesus had not performed any miracles yet. He had not gathered any disciples or started His evangelical journey through the countryside yet. He had not taken any Action that would have earned Him God's favor and yet, God was pleased with Him.

All that to say that while I may not have it all down I am working towards knowing who I am. I may have earned the identity of Librarian but the identity of God's Child was given to me and all I had to do was accept it.

Reading myself into...

...a career. Do you remember when you decided what you wanted to be when you grew up? What inspired you to follow that career or life path? For me, I believe the books I read played a big part in my plans for the future.

    

Nancy Drew and the 3 Investigators helped me develop a love of mysteries and puzzles. Because of this, Police Officer and Private Investigator were high on my list of what I wanted to be. The modern and successful women in my Grandma’s Harlequins made me think that a big city career would be the direction I would go, so I added Lawyer to my possible career choices. Following my interests I earned an undergraduate degree in Criminal Justice and Communications only to discover that life isn’t as well planned out as fiction.

   

One thing that didn’t change during my search for a career was my love of a good story. Though different jobs gave me different skills and experiences, it was the books I read that helped me dream. When the opportunity came to work in a Public Library I jumped at the chance to spend my workday surrounded by books. It was this job that showed me that the perfect career for me, included a lot of fiction. While a Librarian’s job does NOT include sitting and reading all day, it does include helping people, providing information, teaching computer and research skills, and talking about books.

    

So what started as a job 16 years ago, became a career that I love. While the majority of my work days are filled with tasks that don’t revolve around books, it is the books that I enjoy most. Now when I see a book about a library or librarian I have to give it a try, because after all this is my career I’m reading about! Here are some of my favorites.

Free for All: oddballs, geeks and gangstas in the public library, by Don Bochert. The author recounts his experiences working as an assistant librarian in a public library in suburban Los Angeles, as he encounters patrons who range from bored latchkey kids left there for the afternoon, to rowdy teenagers.

I Work at a Public Library, by Gina Sheridan. Collection of strange-but-true anecdotes, heartwarming stories, and humorous interactions with patrons from a public librarian.

Open Season, by Linda Howard. Daisy Minor is bored. Worse than that, she's boring. A plain, small-town librarian, she's got a wardrobe as sexy as a dictionary and hasn't been on a date in years. She's never even had a lukewarm love affair, let alone a hot one. So when she wakes up on her thirty-fourth birthday and wonders how it is that she still lives with her widowed mom and spinster aunt while her friends have all gotten married and started families, she decides it's time to get a life.

Good Girls Do, by Cathie Linz. After his father's death, Luke Maguire returns home to Serenity Falls to take care of the family bar and, while trying to liven the town up a little, forms an unlikely alliance with Julia Wright, a sassy librarian who can read him like an open book.

Here Lies the Librarian, by Richard Peck. Fourteen-year-old Eleanor "Peewee" McGrath, a tomboy and automobile enthusiast, discovers new possibilities for her future after the 1914 arrival in her small Indiana town of four young librarians.

Louisiana Saves the Library, by Emily Beck Cogburn. Librarian Louisiana Richardson must resort to unconventional methods if she is going to save Alligator Bayou Parish's struggling library from being closed.

I've been discriminated against...

...and I'm okay with it. First, some background information. This idea started to grow after reading a review on a Sheriff Departments Facebook page about how "some people are disliked and discriminated in this city". I started thinking that I could agree with them but probably not in the way they expected. 

I abide by the laws. I do not intentionally speed, and cruise control helps keep me from unintentionally speeding. I don't take or distribute illegal substances. I do not destroy personal or public property nor do I consume anything that would alter or impair my sound judgement. Because of this, I have not had many encounters with brave men and women in law enforcement. No tall dark and handsome man, in uniform, has come to give me a ride in his cruiser or flashed me on the highway. I am okay with that and to be honest I would have a major panic attack if one did. 

I also believe I am discriminated against when it comes to retail therapy. Just because I like to eat and hate to exercise I am unable to just go into many clothing store and buy cute and affordable clothing. I actually have to do the majority of my clothes shopping online where you can't try things on and see how they look before paying. 

Have I gone protesting in the streets? Have I called for a national boycott of Khols? Have I taken the fight to court demanding that all clothing retailers sell all their styles and products in all sizes from 0-50? No. Because I am a reasonable person that understands that no one business or company can or should provide everything for everybody. (Amazon comes the closest but that's a different post) 

America has free enterprise and even though some people claim differently, I believe that business owners have the right to sell the products and services they choose. Because of this, if you don't like Big Macs you have the right, and the opportunity, to to buy Whoppers. If you love cupcakes but won't eat animal products, you can splurge at a Vegan Bakery. If you don't agree with the charitable contributions Home Depot makes, you have the option to shop at Menards or Lowes.  

In a society that is quick to cry "discrimination" let's be sure that we just don't want our own way at the expense of someone else's rights. 

How soon we forget...

...those days, not so long ago. One thing that can ruin a moment, a day, a week, or a lifetime is negative thinking. I must confess that I have fallen into the rut of always looking down instead of up. 

I was reminded of this yesterday after filling up my car at the gas station.  The tank wasn't totally running on fumes so it took just under $15 to fill it up and since I only have to do that about once a month I should be happy, right? Nope I was grumbling about having to fill up when it was cold and whining about getting out of the car one more time that morning. When I was done, God gently smacked me up side the head with the reminder "Remember when it cost $35-$40 to fill up your little car? Remember needing to spend that every 1.5 weeks?" Oh how soon we forget.

I am normally a very positive person when it comes to other people. I try to find reasons or excuses for actions and behaviors but when it comes to myself, that's when I need more smacks to the head. While I am trying to imprint the idea that my worth should alway be measured in God's eyes I still seem to struggle with judging myself on perceive successes and failures. I need to remember to take some time and reflect back. If I succeed, it probably wasn't luck or because of some random chance that everything just happened. Most likely there was a lot of learning, trial and error, gifted teachers and examples that lead to that success. If I fail, it's not because I'm a failure but probably because I haven't mastered the needed skills or it just wasn't the right time. 

Even when I feel I've failed I need to reflect on how far I've come. It may be a couple weeks and that number, which does not define my worth (repetition aids memory), has not dropped any lower. I can't allow myself to feel like a failure. If I look back I can reflect on that number dropping 5, 10, 30, 50 digits and that didn't happen in a week but through persistence and perseverance. This is especially important because my history shows that failure produces binges. Now if I can just find a way to celebrate success without bingeing I may finally be making progress.

Walking in circles...

...can get you right where you need to be. Last night I started a small group study at church based off the book, "The Circle Maker", by Mark Batterson. Mark uses his experience of starting a church in Washington DC to explain how utter dependence on God lead him to walk a prayer circle around DC.

I confess that my prayer life is one of my weakest points in my spiritual journey. I'm not sure if it is the confusion I feel between it being a sacred conversation with the Almighty God and the thought that it's as intimate as talking to my Father God. It probably comes down to the lies of Satan that I have allowed to cloud the issue and I am hoping the truths taught in this group will allow me to take a deeper step into prayer.

One point that stood out was "Don't be afraid to pray boldly". There is no greater tragedy than the prayer that goes unanswered because it goes unasked. Hannah & Elizabeth boldly prayed for a baby, blind men in Jericho boldly asked to be given sight, even Christ himself boldly prayed for a different way than His death in the garden. Boldly pray but be willing to accept God's best.

I shared how sometimes we barely have to whisper a prayer before God rushes in with an answer yet other times we can pray for the same thing for years before God's answer is more than "Wait". 18 years ago God provided a job for me before I was even looking for one. My life changed totally withing a 2 week time frame. Yet 5 years ago when I started looking for a new job in the library field it took almost 3 years, countless resumes, a dozen in person interviews and a couple of phone or Skype interviews before God's perfect plan was ready. Now that I've been in my newest job for over 2 years I can look back and see how God worked it all out so that I would end up with a job I enjoy 95% of the time, a new church family that encourages me to grow deeper in my relationship with Christ, close to my best friend for times when we need each other the most, and to the place of utter dependence on God during some personal struggles because family isn't close enough to lean on.

Whatever your need or Godly desire, pray circles around it and claim God's promises. If you are interested in reading Mark Batterson's book, check your local library or Christian bookstore. 

When feelings don't tell the truth...

...it's important to believe in more than feelings. Heard this song last night and it really spoke to me.

One of Satan's greatest tools is making us feel worthless. I've been there. I've felt it. But I KNOW that I am loved by a mighty God who saw me as someone worth dying for and now I KNOW of One who is worth living for.

A trip down memory lane...

...can lead to the funny farm. I was never one to keep a diary and attempts I have made at writing a journal have all fallen short of lasting a week. I don't know what it is about writing a blog that lasted a lot longer but even with a 3 year gap between 2013-2016 this blog goes back quite a ways.

Looking back at some of the things I have written makes me realize that while time passes on and life happens, there are a lot of things that are still the same. I still read mainly romances, I still struggle with making wise eating choices and I still feel like my life is boring most of the time.

I guess the best way to cure a boring life is to step out of your comfort zone. This is a really scary thought for me because the last time I talked to God about expanding my comfort zone (Notice I said expand and not take me out of) I ended up in Macon, Georgia working at Hephzibah Children's Home for over 2 years. One of my goals for 2016 is to once again try to venture out of my comfort zone. In areas of work that means developing new programs within the community. At church that means being willing to serve in areas I may not be comfortable in. And for my personal life it may be as stressful as leaving the house when I don't need to leave.

On the flip side, as George R. R. Martin said, "A reader lives a thousand lives before he dies. The man who never reads lives only one." My fictional lives are awesome and the only time they bother with my comfort zone is when I'm reading a book for our Book Club.

Just because nobody misses me when I'm gone...

...doesn't mean that I won't show up again anyway.
I haven't posted here since 2013 and I haven't had any complaints about people missing my bogus thoughts at all. I'm not going to let that discourage me, because sometimes writing is a matter of self realization and not just for the entertainment of strangers.
A lot has happened since 2013. I'm living in a new State with a new job and have made new friends and become part of a new church family. Now that I'm comfortable with all that newness I'm focusing once again on a new me. After a diagnosis of sever osteoarthritis helped explain why I was spending the majority of my day in extreme pain I met with an Orthopedic to explore the options to reduce the pain. His answer was so discouraging that I went home, cried and yelled at the walls because the 'easy fix' was not an option. That's right, I said 'easy fix'. In my way of thinking it was a whole lot easier to have hip replacement surgery than to make the necessary changes needed to shed a lot of excess baggage that I have carried around all my life.
With surgery off the table until I had unpacked all that baggage, I had to decide how I wanted to spend the rest of my years. Do I work at changing habits, impulses, thought patterns and food choices or do I just take more pain pills, use a cane/walker/wheelchair and further destroy the body God gave me. Anyone who has never struggled with the practice of using food for comfort, company, entertainment and pure enjoyment may not understand the actual struggle this is to change. I'm making baby steps and trying to pick myself up every time I fall backwards. The journey is still a long one and I need to believe that the destination is going to be worth it because more often than not I miss the warm feeling that sitting on the couch eating a family size bag of Doritos brings me.

Currently reading, "Made to Crave: satisfying your deepest desire with God, not food", by Lysa TerKeurst and "Feel the Burn", by G. A. Aiken