How soon we forget...

...those days, not so long ago. One thing that can ruin a moment, a day, a week, or a lifetime is negative thinking. I must confess that I have fallen into the rut of always looking down instead of up. 

I was reminded of this yesterday after filling up my car at the gas station.  The tank wasn't totally running on fumes so it took just under $15 to fill it up and since I only have to do that about once a month I should be happy, right? Nope I was grumbling about having to fill up when it was cold and whining about getting out of the car one more time that morning. When I was done, God gently smacked me up side the head with the reminder "Remember when it cost $35-$40 to fill up your little car? Remember needing to spend that every 1.5 weeks?" Oh how soon we forget.

I am normally a very positive person when it comes to other people. I try to find reasons or excuses for actions and behaviors but when it comes to myself, that's when I need more smacks to the head. While I am trying to imprint the idea that my worth should alway be measured in God's eyes I still seem to struggle with judging myself on perceive successes and failures. I need to remember to take some time and reflect back. If I succeed, it probably wasn't luck or because of some random chance that everything just happened. Most likely there was a lot of learning, trial and error, gifted teachers and examples that lead to that success. If I fail, it's not because I'm a failure but probably because I haven't mastered the needed skills or it just wasn't the right time. 

Even when I feel I've failed I need to reflect on how far I've come. It may be a couple weeks and that number, which does not define my worth (repetition aids memory), has not dropped any lower. I can't allow myself to feel like a failure. If I look back I can reflect on that number dropping 5, 10, 30, 50 digits and that didn't happen in a week but through persistence and perseverance. This is especially important because my history shows that failure produces binges. Now if I can just find a way to celebrate success without bingeing I may finally be making progress.

Walking in circles...

...can get you right where you need to be. Last night I started a small group study at church based off the book, "The Circle Maker", by Mark Batterson. Mark uses his experience of starting a church in Washington DC to explain how utter dependence on God lead him to walk a prayer circle around DC.

I confess that my prayer life is one of my weakest points in my spiritual journey. I'm not sure if it is the confusion I feel between it being a sacred conversation with the Almighty God and the thought that it's as intimate as talking to my Father God. It probably comes down to the lies of Satan that I have allowed to cloud the issue and I am hoping the truths taught in this group will allow me to take a deeper step into prayer.

One point that stood out was "Don't be afraid to pray boldly". There is no greater tragedy than the prayer that goes unanswered because it goes unasked. Hannah & Elizabeth boldly prayed for a baby, blind men in Jericho boldly asked to be given sight, even Christ himself boldly prayed for a different way than His death in the garden. Boldly pray but be willing to accept God's best.

I shared how sometimes we barely have to whisper a prayer before God rushes in with an answer yet other times we can pray for the same thing for years before God's answer is more than "Wait". 18 years ago God provided a job for me before I was even looking for one. My life changed totally withing a 2 week time frame. Yet 5 years ago when I started looking for a new job in the library field it took almost 3 years, countless resumes, a dozen in person interviews and a couple of phone or Skype interviews before God's perfect plan was ready. Now that I've been in my newest job for over 2 years I can look back and see how God worked it all out so that I would end up with a job I enjoy 95% of the time, a new church family that encourages me to grow deeper in my relationship with Christ, close to my best friend for times when we need each other the most, and to the place of utter dependence on God during some personal struggles because family isn't close enough to lean on.

Whatever your need or Godly desire, pray circles around it and claim God's promises. If you are interested in reading Mark Batterson's book, check your local library or Christian bookstore. 

When feelings don't tell the truth...

...it's important to believe in more than feelings. Heard this song last night and it really spoke to me.

One of Satan's greatest tools is making us feel worthless. I've been there. I've felt it. But I KNOW that I am loved by a mighty God who saw me as someone worth dying for and now I KNOW of One who is worth living for.

A trip down memory lane...

...can lead to the funny farm. I was never one to keep a diary and attempts I have made at writing a journal have all fallen short of lasting a week. I don't know what it is about writing a blog that lasted a lot longer but even with a 3 year gap between 2013-2016 this blog goes back quite a ways.

Looking back at some of the things I have written makes me realize that while time passes on and life happens, there are a lot of things that are still the same. I still read mainly romances, I still struggle with making wise eating choices and I still feel like my life is boring most of the time.

I guess the best way to cure a boring life is to step out of your comfort zone. This is a really scary thought for me because the last time I talked to God about expanding my comfort zone (Notice I said expand and not take me out of) I ended up in Macon, Georgia working at Hephzibah Children's Home for over 2 years. One of my goals for 2016 is to once again try to venture out of my comfort zone. In areas of work that means developing new programs within the community. At church that means being willing to serve in areas I may not be comfortable in. And for my personal life it may be as stressful as leaving the house when I don't need to leave.

On the flip side, as George R. R. Martin said, "A reader lives a thousand lives before he dies. The man who never reads lives only one." My fictional lives are awesome and the only time they bother with my comfort zone is when I'm reading a book for our Book Club.