...it's Friday! Everyone is back from vacations and we can settle into our work routine to see how our new schedule flows. I'm trying to out run a head cold but my body is in slow motion so I don't know if I'll make it.
I have found that nothing can change an attitude faster than a good nights sleep. There is a reason God gave us night time and it wasn't to stay up with friends, books or TV. Those things are okay when done rarely but night after night not only affects you physically but also mentally and emotionally. I really need to convince myself that no matter how good the book I'm reading is it will still have the same story in it when I pick it up in the morning. I'm finding that I'm losing the ability to sleep in on Saturdays so it is becoming more important that I go to bed at a decent hour. I never was one to stay up late for parties or socializing but I can't remember the number of times I stayed up until the early AM hours with a good book.
Last night was a good night. I went to bed with a stomach that wasn't so full that I felt sick, I had a swig of Nyquil in an attempt to beat this head cold, and turned off the lights around 11:00. I still didn't want to get out of bed this morning but there really aren't very many morning when I do. Something about a nice warm bed and pillows to snuggle with makes for lazy mornings even if I'm not falling back to sleep. So sleep and 5-HTP are making for a better day.
Friday, September 17, 2010
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Okay I feel the pressure...
...but I'm still not sure I have anything to write about. Lately I've just been feeling empty. I go through the motions of my day, I go to work, do what needs to be done, smile and assist patrons, try to get along with my boss and coworkers, then go home and do nothing but relax and read or watch TV. My problem is that while I'm going through all these motions I keep stuffing food in my mouth because at least that gives me a small short moment of 'yum' factor. The downside of that is that the weight comes rushing back and then not only am I feeling empty inside but my outside is starting to hurt and ache and my clothes won't fit. This all adds depression to the emptiness and I look for more things to break through.
I overfill my responsibilities with Church activities thinking that serving will help bring meaning into my life. Mentally I know that God's Love should fill me to overflowing but knowing it and feeling it are two different things. Changes that I thought I was ready for I'm find are causing more stress and upheaval in my personal life. It's not that I don't know what should happen and how things should change and that I'm probably relying on my will more than God's strength but you know, the knowledge of all that doesn't help a lot when the emptiness just doesn't fill up. Being smart isn't always a good thing because then you know what should be happening or what you should do but if you can't find the motivation, purpose or strength to do it, it just adds to the feeling of failure.
As a teen I fought through feeling of suicide and a brief (one time) therapy of cutting. Is survived I'm still a live and I think well adjusted. I may be a little withdrawn from people, may not like crowds, take years to develop really close friendships, live like a hermit other than work & church. Sometimes I do wonder if I'm still suicidal? I sometimes think that my choice of suicide is sugar and fat. Don't worry, I'm hanging in there and starting my 5-HTP again that should level out my mood swings. I'm not as bad off I this sounds. For at least 8 hours of the day I function like a normal human and when required I can also add a couple hours to that. I'll find my way again. I know the answer I just have to find the way to get there.
Depressing enough for ya Jeanette?
I overfill my responsibilities with Church activities thinking that serving will help bring meaning into my life. Mentally I know that God's Love should fill me to overflowing but knowing it and feeling it are two different things. Changes that I thought I was ready for I'm find are causing more stress and upheaval in my personal life. It's not that I don't know what should happen and how things should change and that I'm probably relying on my will more than God's strength but you know, the knowledge of all that doesn't help a lot when the emptiness just doesn't fill up. Being smart isn't always a good thing because then you know what should be happening or what you should do but if you can't find the motivation, purpose or strength to do it, it just adds to the feeling of failure.
As a teen I fought through feeling of suicide and a brief (one time) therapy of cutting. Is survived I'm still a live and I think well adjusted. I may be a little withdrawn from people, may not like crowds, take years to develop really close friendships, live like a hermit other than work & church. Sometimes I do wonder if I'm still suicidal? I sometimes think that my choice of suicide is sugar and fat. Don't worry, I'm hanging in there and starting my 5-HTP again that should level out my mood swings. I'm not as bad off I this sounds. For at least 8 hours of the day I function like a normal human and when required I can also add a couple hours to that. I'll find my way again. I know the answer I just have to find the way to get there.
Depressing enough for ya Jeanette?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)