...but I'm still not sure I have anything to write about. Lately I've just been feeling empty. I go through the motions of my day, I go to work, do what needs to be done, smile and assist patrons, try to get along with my boss and coworkers, then go home and do nothing but relax and read or watch TV. My problem is that while I'm going through all these motions I keep stuffing food in my mouth because at least that gives me a small short moment of 'yum' factor. The downside of that is that the weight comes rushing back and then not only am I feeling empty inside but my outside is starting to hurt and ache and my clothes won't fit. This all adds depression to the emptiness and I look for more things to break through.
I overfill my responsibilities with Church activities thinking that serving will help bring meaning into my life. Mentally I know that God's Love should fill me to overflowing but knowing it and feeling it are two different things. Changes that I thought I was ready for I'm find are causing more stress and upheaval in my personal life. It's not that I don't know what should happen and how things should change and that I'm probably relying on my will more than God's strength but you know, the knowledge of all that doesn't help a lot when the emptiness just doesn't fill up. Being smart isn't always a good thing because then you know what should be happening or what you should do but if you can't find the motivation, purpose or strength to do it, it just adds to the feeling of failure.
As a teen I fought through feeling of suicide and a brief (one time) therapy of cutting. Is survived I'm still a live and I think well adjusted. I may be a little withdrawn from people, may not like crowds, take years to develop really close friendships, live like a hermit other than work & church. Sometimes I do wonder if I'm still suicidal? I sometimes think that my choice of suicide is sugar and fat. Don't worry, I'm hanging in there and starting my 5-HTP again that should level out my mood swings. I'm not as bad off I this sounds. For at least 8 hours of the day I function like a normal human and when required I can also add a couple hours to that. I'll find my way again. I know the answer I just have to find the way to get there.
Depressing enough for ya Jeanette?
1 comment:
The thing is... I've experienced it all too. I live my life very similar to you, we just don't know it. I too have the suicidal thoughts (even as close as last week). If the natural meds don't cover the thoughts or feelings, I really would recommend seeing a dr. for something stronger.
i'm going to be doing a lemon cleanse starting next wk, after we get some more cash. Wanna do it with me?
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