...and then I gave it up. Okay for those who do not know I have been on a weight loss journey for 1 year and 3 months and for the last 5 months I have been gaining and losing the same 15 pounds. FRUSTRATION, ANGER, and DISAPPOINTMENT have been very evident in my life and I have struggled to keep going instead of giving up totally. There have been many days and weeks where I gave up and ate boxes of cookies and bags of chips with very little care as to how they would affect my health 'cause dang-it they just tasted good.
In my efforts to determine why, after so many successful months of weight-loss, I was struggling I kept coming back to the dream I had. Back near the beginning of the year I heard about "Music Boat 2010", a cruise filled with Christian music artist sailing out in November. I have always dreamed about taking a cruise and was instantly excited. I wanted to go...one of my goals for 2010 was to take a dream vacation...it would be filled with other people who love Christian music...I was scared to death at the thought of going by myself! That was the problem.
I don't have major panic attacks nor am I unable to leave my house but I do have varying levels of social anxiety that I allow to hinder me from doing what I think would be fun and exciting. I don't like big crowds even if I know the people, but if it is going to be a crowd of people I don't know I tend to become a nervous wreck. I'm not afraid to leave my house but I don't like going to new places that I'm not familiar with and can begin panicking just thinking about how I will drive/travel to new locations and can I do it without hitting any major cities. The easiest way I have found to deal with this problem (Except never go anywhere I haven't been before) is to find someone who is outgoing and sociable to tag along with. I've even invited neighbors to go grocery shopping with me because I don't like going alone. So that is what I tried to do with my dream cruise. With a lot of excitement I checked into price packages, travel arrangements and contacted everyone I could think of who might have a couple thousand dollars to spend on a cruise. Nothing panned out and instead of toughening up and say "I can do it on my own" I gave up my dream. What came next...disappointment in myself, subconscious validation that I couldn't change, and an end to my successful weight-loss journey.
They say confession is good for the soul so maybe by blabbing this all over the internet I will find the courage to follow through on my next dream. A one week vacation at the Biggest Loser Resort at Fitness Ridge in Utah! Anybody have a couple thousand dollars laying around and want to go with me??? :)
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