...and then I gave it up. Okay for those who do not know I have been on a weight loss journey for 1 year and 3 months and for the last 5 months I have been gaining and losing the same 15 pounds. FRUSTRATION, ANGER, and DISAPPOINTMENT have been very evident in my life and I have struggled to keep going instead of giving up totally. There have been many days and weeks where I gave up and ate boxes of cookies and bags of chips with very little care as to how they would affect my health 'cause dang-it they just tasted good.
In my efforts to determine why, after so many successful months of weight-loss, I was struggling I kept coming back to the dream I had. Back near the beginning of the year I heard about "Music Boat 2010", a cruise filled with Christian music artist sailing out in November. I have always dreamed about taking a cruise and was instantly excited. I wanted to go...one of my goals for 2010 was to take a dream vacation...it would be filled with other people who love Christian music...I was scared to death at the thought of going by myself! That was the problem.
I don't have major panic attacks nor am I unable to leave my house but I do have varying levels of social anxiety that I allow to hinder me from doing what I think would be fun and exciting. I don't like big crowds even if I know the people, but if it is going to be a crowd of people I don't know I tend to become a nervous wreck. I'm not afraid to leave my house but I don't like going to new places that I'm not familiar with and can begin panicking just thinking about how I will drive/travel to new locations and can I do it without hitting any major cities. The easiest way I have found to deal with this problem (Except never go anywhere I haven't been before) is to find someone who is outgoing and sociable to tag along with. I've even invited neighbors to go grocery shopping with me because I don't like going alone. So that is what I tried to do with my dream cruise. With a lot of excitement I checked into price packages, travel arrangements and contacted everyone I could think of who might have a couple thousand dollars to spend on a cruise. Nothing panned out and instead of toughening up and say "I can do it on my own" I gave up my dream. What came next...disappointment in myself, subconscious validation that I couldn't change, and an end to my successful weight-loss journey.
They say confession is good for the soul so maybe by blabbing this all over the internet I will find the courage to follow through on my next dream. A one week vacation at the Biggest Loser Resort at Fitness Ridge in Utah! Anybody have a couple thousand dollars laying around and want to go with me??? :)
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
I'm a mess...
... but I don't want to admit it. Between Sunday School lesson and devotions, God has really been hitting me with the truth that it is only through his love and grace that good things exist in my life. Contrary to today's world view there is now 'power within us' to change our lives unless we have Christ within us! Everything from depression, success and weight-loss cannot be finished without God's help because our own strength is very temporary and weak when compared to God's.
I struggle to rely on God because I have always bought into the adage "God helps those who help themselves" and believed that I was able to do enough that God could use his 'help' for those who needed it more. I'm find that the older I get the less strength and determination I have to 'help myself. I take on too many responsibilities and then try to do it all in my own power rather than plugging into God's power supply.
I know I need God's help but why is it so difficult to rely on him rather than to 'do it myself'? I often feel like Paul.. "That which I want to do I do not do, but what I don't want to do I find myself doing..." I need to glory in my weakness go God's strength can be glorified! I need to do this and rely more on God and hopefully I can find the way to do that before God takes serious measures to make me learn it.
I struggle to rely on God because I have always bought into the adage "God helps those who help themselves" and believed that I was able to do enough that God could use his 'help' for those who needed it more. I'm find that the older I get the less strength and determination I have to 'help myself. I take on too many responsibilities and then try to do it all in my own power rather than plugging into God's power supply.
I know I need God's help but why is it so difficult to rely on him rather than to 'do it myself'? I often feel like Paul.. "That which I want to do I do not do, but what I don't want to do I find myself doing..." I need to glory in my weakness go God's strength can be glorified! I need to do this and rely more on God and hopefully I can find the way to do that before God takes serious measures to make me learn it.
Monday, May 17, 2010
Does TV Recycle...
...themes and plots? I keep getting into these nostalgic moments and re-watching TV shows that I enjoyed years ago. I'm currently going through "The Pretender" (Aired in the early-mid 90s) and after about the 10th episode I started thinking that it was reminding me of another TV show that I have seen more recently but couldn't put my brain cells on it.
It finally came to me halfway through the season that it was reminding me of Showtime's "Dexter". Those who are not familiar with either of these series let me recap. THE PRETENDER is about a man who was taken from his parents as a young child and raised in The Centre where his special 'genius' talent was used to simulate events to determine what could have happened or what was most likely to happen given a certain set of circumstances. This information was used for good and evil while leaving Jarrod separated for society as a whole and his parents also. He escapes and looks for his mother. He is searching for his past while the Centre tries to recapture him. Along the way he rights wrongs and brings people to justice.
DEXTER is a TV show based of a book series about a man who suffered unknown trauma in his early years before being adopted by a police officer and his family. He now has this uncontrollable urge to murder and mutilate (Warning: this is NOT a family show) but because of the love and direction he received from his adopted family he only kills other murderers and child molesters that the police cannot catch. Anyway here is where the two shows line up together for me:
1. Both have pasts that they don't fully remember that has led them to their current crusades.
2. Both have people trying to catch them although in DEXTER's case they don't know who they are trying to catch.
3. They both have this demented stare while plotting how they are going to measure out justice.
One big difference is that with the Pretender Jarrod does not kill the bad guys but he does meet out a measure of emotional/psychological trauma before turning them over to the law. Is there any other shows that you can think of that have parallels where you have enjoyed one but not the other. (Forgot to mention that I didn't watch more than 1 season of Dexter because the content was very risque and not just bloody)
It finally came to me halfway through the season that it was reminding me of Showtime's "Dexter". Those who are not familiar with either of these series let me recap. THE PRETENDER is about a man who was taken from his parents as a young child and raised in The Centre where his special 'genius' talent was used to simulate events to determine what could have happened or what was most likely to happen given a certain set of circumstances. This information was used for good and evil while leaving Jarrod separated for society as a whole and his parents also. He escapes and looks for his mother. He is searching for his past while the Centre tries to recapture him. Along the way he rights wrongs and brings people to justice.
DEXTER is a TV show based of a book series about a man who suffered unknown trauma in his early years before being adopted by a police officer and his family. He now has this uncontrollable urge to murder and mutilate (Warning: this is NOT a family show) but because of the love and direction he received from his adopted family he only kills other murderers and child molesters that the police cannot catch. Anyway here is where the two shows line up together for me:
1. Both have pasts that they don't fully remember that has led them to their current crusades.
2. Both have people trying to catch them although in DEXTER's case they don't know who they are trying to catch.
3. They both have this demented stare while plotting how they are going to measure out justice.
One big difference is that with the Pretender Jarrod does not kill the bad guys but he does meet out a measure of emotional/psychological trauma before turning them over to the law. Is there any other shows that you can think of that have parallels where you have enjoyed one but not the other. (Forgot to mention that I didn't watch more than 1 season of Dexter because the content was very risque and not just bloody)
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Saying NO...
...even when you don't want to. I'm sure many of you have been told that you just need to say NO sometimes. Whether because you are over worked, scheduled or stressed say NO can help you balance your life. Sometimes it is really hard to say NO especially if you are a people-pleaser or you get validation through jobs well done. But that is not the area I'm struggling with right now. I'm fighting with myself to say NO to chocolate, chips, candy, crackers, donuts, cookies, and on and on and on.....
I have found that I can't say YES to just one of any of these food because if I have one suddenly the whole bag, box, carton, pound, has disappeared and there was no one else around but me so where did they go?????? I'm hoping that by saying YES in other areas of my life (i.e.Church activities, Cleaning, Crafts, Family & friend events, etc...) there will be less times to struggle with telling myself NO!
I have found that I can't say YES to just one of any of these food because if I have one suddenly the whole bag, box, carton, pound, has disappeared and there was no one else around but me so where did they go?????? I'm hoping that by saying YES in other areas of my life (i.e.Church activities, Cleaning, Crafts, Family & friend events, etc...) there will be less times to struggle with telling myself NO!
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