Ode to my many...

...faults. I'm not intentionally on a journey to self discovery but as I fight with myself to discover why I'm an emotional eater and self improvement saboteur I've discovered a few things. I'm a lazy, judgmental, fearful individual.

1. Lazy. I've always looked at it as being creative but really I look for the shortest and easiest way to get things done. Sure it doesn't take as long to do things my way but I'm not putting as much effort into doing it either. Are the end results as good as they could be? Sometimes efficiency in necessary but when it is easier to sit down with the whole bag of pretzels than to go measure out a serving and put it in a bowl, it doesn't always end the way it should. Besides using a bowl makes another dish to be washed! (See I'm lazy because I don't even wash my dishes, that's what my sister is for! LOL)

2. Judgmental. I've always believed that what I believe to be right should be right for everyone. I still believe that sin is sin but is everything that is a sin for me a sin for you? Are there gray areas that aren't addressed as a "Thou shalt..." or Thou shalt not..." that are left to personal convictions? I guess the issues that bother me the most are drinking and smoking. The Bible definitely speaks about being a drunkard but what about those who enjoy a social drink or antisocial drink yet never have become addicted to alcohol? Is it still a sin? Smoking is only mentioned once in the Bible when 'Rachel lit off her camel' yet because it is harmful to the 'temple' some consider it a sin. Gluttony is frequently mentioned in the Bible as a sin & I've been guilty of that my whole life yet never felt spiritually condemned by it as some people do drinking and smoking.

3. Fearful. I am afraid to try things where I'm not assured of success or acceptance. With weight loss this has been a big one because what happens if I lose weight yet the things I think will change don't? My motto is, "It is better to have never tried, than to try and fail". I don't like to change hairstyles or clothing styles because, "what if it looks worse than I already do" is never far from my mind. Going alone is also something I don't like doing. I'm fine with living single but when it comes to going places or new experiences, I still want someone to hold my hand and handle all the tasks where I could say or do something wrong. Which leads to another thing I fear. I don't like being wrong. I believe that is why I never voluntarily answered questions in college.

I guess if I know what my faults are, I then am obligated to work on them. I realize I can't do that on my own so I've started praying more and being aware of when I tend to fall into these ruts. But I'm afraid that if God helps me correct these faults, He will then bring others to light and I'll have to start all over again. So do you agree, is it better to never have tried than to have tried and failed?

When reading isn't a joy

Yes I know that doesn't seem possible, as much as I love reading you'd think it always brings me joy, but it doesn't. Textbooks are one example. Here I am with a Masters Degree and I don't believe I ever read on complete textbook. There were some that got more open book time than others, but it was usually just what I had to read for an assignment or test. It is probably a good thing my short term memory was sharp back then or I would never have passed those classes.

Now that I'm a librarian sometimes I have to read things that I do not enjoy. First let me expound on more time on why I love to read. Reading to me is a major escape. I love meeting new characters and experience things through them that I will never experience in my own life. But here is a major issue, I WANT HAPPY ENDINGS!!!!!!! Yes even though the book may have death, terror, illness and struggles the good guys are suppose to triumph and the bad guys get what they deserve. Love always prevails and relationships don't end in divorce, death or betrayal. I don't look for books that are going to disturb me or make me dwell on issues that can depress or divide. That is why I don't enjoy reading those types of books that make good book discussion choices. I now have 3 of those types sitting on my to be read pile. They are all nonfiction and cover topics of Sudanese refugees, a daughters experience with an Alzheimer father, and a history and search for rural Michigan. I don't believe I will enjoy reading these but I know they are books that will impact me in ways that I will never forget them and that is probably a good thing.